Before I even start writing this, I just want to say that I am still continuously working on myself everyday and I am not a grief/healing expert by no means, but pain has indeed changed me. The darkest and worst parts of myself came out this past year, however, some of the brightest and best parts came out as well. Parts that I didn’t even know existed.
Everyone deals with pain differently. I’ve studied people very carefully this past year, and how we all handle being hurt. I began to think I was crazy for a bit while I was dealing with my losses. There’s no “rule book”, ya know? There’s really no correct way to deal with losing a parent, a partner, a friend. This doesn’t only pertain to actual death. Sometimes the ending of any type of relationship or the LACK of a relationship ( in childhood for example) can hurt just as bad, if not worse. If someone or something is absent, it’s essentially a death. That relationship you want or need does not exist.
I’ve watched people closely. Myself, included. Those who were grieving a loved one’s passing. Those who were grieving the ending of a relationship. Those who were grieving trauma from childhood. I’ve watched people seclude themselves from others because they don’t want to interact with others anymore. I’ve watched people try to socialize as much as possible to take their mind off the pain. I’ve watched people use substances and other humans to attempt to take the pain away. I’ve watched people hate themselves. I’ve watched people not be able to get out of their bed in the morning. I’ve watched people lash out on others, even those that they love the most.
I’ve also seen and heard people judge those who that are in pain and how they choose to deal with it. I’ve been guilty of doing it in the past a time or two. I believe we all have.
“They need to get over it and get their shit together”.
“God how long are they going to be sad over that”.
“Did you see what they posted on social media?”
“They need to chill out on their drinking and going out”.
“They need to stop telling the world their business”.
“I can’t believe they would do something like that”.
It’s easy to tell someone how to deal with something when you haven’t been through it, right?
Society teaches us at a young age that any time a “negative” emotion is shown or any type of conversation regarding raw feelings is being held… it’s considered “weak”. The “stronger” you are and the better you handle your heartache and pain, the more you are praised. If you are anything but positive, the world looks down on you.
Read that again.
With that being said, haven’t we all been hurt before? Haven’t we all felt alone at some point? Haven’t we all felt like no one understands the pain we’re going through?
I am a firm believer at this point that hurt people get bitter or they get better.
So why don’t we put a little more thought into helping people get better? Support them. Check in on them. Acknowledge their progress. Most of the time those that are hurt just want someone to genuinely hear them. They don’t want a pity party. They don’t want judgement. They just want someone to hear them and acknowledge what is occurring.
We are a society of broken people, covering up this pain with pretty pictures and exciting videos. We must recognize our pain.
Not going through pain at the moment or got your shit figured out? Cool, go recognize someone else’s.
Getting over pain and hurt takes work. It takes stepping out of your comfort zone, it takes self reflection, and it takes a little support from others to do so.
This cycle of brokenness ends with us.
This was heavy on my heart for a while. A lot of monumental losses this past year and a half for myself, as well as others. I wrote these thoughts out based off not only the loss of my parents, but from watching family hurt, friends hurt, a partner hurt, and a whole entire town hurt.
Diane Caravella and Mark Gamble, Mathew Mcentee, Carson Mark McKinney, Zachary Allen.
Rest in Peace you guys. You are all so very loved and missed by many ❤️