every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

I totally just used semisonic lyrics as a blog title, it’s fine.

I want to talk about my life recently. I’ve always tried to control many aspects of my life. Usually this does not work out in my favor. Every time I’ve thought I had it together and under control, life has looked at me, laughed and said “nah”.

You name it, I’ve tried to control it. I think I’ve always done that because I want to foresee things before they happen. It makes me feel safe. But honestly, I can’t help but think of all the possibilities I may have missed out on because I didn’t let go and allow life to happen.

We can’t always control life, painful things happen to us that were unable to prevent or predict.

Several months ago, I got out of a 2.5 year relationship. We weren’t happy. I didn’t know who I was in that relationship and I didn’t know what truly made me happy in life. But I stayed because I was comfortable. He was comfortable. We were stable together and it was all we knew.

Eventually I let go and decided I was going to let life happen. I realized being comfortable meant we were actually settling. I stepped out of my comfort zone and decided it was time for us to both be happy and work on ourselves.

Great, right? Yes.

Has this been easy? Absolutely not.

My life has been all over the place since my break up. Not in a negative way, but definite it’s all over the place. I searched and found a new place to live, I picked up a third job, I started back school, I’ve been coping with family issues (if you’ve read my blog posts before, you know this isn’t new and is a given at this point) but literally all over the place. In reality, I’m a lonely person. I struggle everyday with motivating myself to get these things done. But somehow, I get it done.

However, I realize time plays such a big part in our lives. Time is everything. It is limited though and it consistently goes by at the same speed. This means that, in time, the inner turmoil I’m dealing with will eventually go by and pass.

When I look back on my life and the events that I’ve dealt with that have already gone by, I have to smile because it’s honestly so bittersweet. Every loss and unpredicted thing life has thrown at me has helped me now in my present. I’ve been taught some of the most beautiful, valuable lessons when I thought everything and everyone was against me. It’s taken me a very long time to realize life happens for your benefit, not against it.

I guess what I’ve realized is that life doesn’t go as planned, and you have to embrace change. Life isn’t just one big chapter, it’s compromised of many chapters. One chapter ends, and then the next chapter begins. But you can’t read or go on to the next chapter if you’re stuck on the one that has already ended. You have to accept that life goes on and that we have a chance to begin a new chapter and possibly create something bigger and better.

Maybe life is potentially giving you a hint that you deserve better. Maybe life is saying you will do better. Maybe life is actually preparing you for better.

You have to trust the process and remember that life happens for you, not to you.

I mean, that’s what I’m doing anyways.

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