life doesn’t give a shit about you

How’s that for a title?

A little more bold than my previous titles.

But it’s true. Life doesn’t give a shit about you. However, you need to give a shit about life. I’m probably going to repeat that 10x for the next 3 minutes along with my next statement:

You have to take control of life before life controls you.

When life controls us, we sort to some form of unhealthy coping mechanism. Whether it’s a drug of choice, an abundance of alcohol, porn, over-eating, closing people off, a money spending habit, etc.

2019 has been a year of growth for me. I’ve been bitter and I’ve been a whole hell of a lot better than this to tell you the truth.

  • my mother’s kidneys failed and she began dialysis 3x a week (failed from years and years of substance abuse and uncontrolled blood pressure)
  • my father passed away from liver failure (alcoholism)
  • one of my friends since childhood passed away
  • I had an unplanned pregnancy and a miscarriage at 7 weeks

All of which occurred within the past 10 months, which is another reason why I have not written on here. I knew I didn’t have it together so who was I to give other people ideas on how to live their lives?

The past few months everything really hit me and I turned into the exact opposite of who I was. I turned into a negative, bitter, angry human. I’m embarrassed at my mindset quite frankly, it’s very much out of my character.

Now, I don’t tell you my past occurrences for sympathy, I am telling you so you can possibly at least learn something from this or be aware of the situation you’re in.

You have to take control of life before life controls you.

Take that statement and do what you want with it. But between those 4 experiences I just listed, I sadly let life control me. I was such an emotional mess.

My go to excuse was that “I had been through so much.”

And because of that “I couldn’t be fixed.”

An “it is what it is” attitude.

I just attempted to block it all out at first which in return led to me being unable to cope with my feelings in a healthy manner. Short tempered, not appreciative, mood swings, outbursts of anger and crying, etc. That was me. I was draining actually. A debbie downer, if you will. I hated who I was becoming. I was sad, I was mad and I thought everyone else should be that way too.

Now don’t let me confuse you, it is absolutely ok to be sad when things like this happen.

I believe crying can be great for you.  I believe some emotion in general can be great for you. But at any given time those emotions (or lack of emotions) begin to change and worsen who you are as a person: Do something. Take control.

Therapy is okay. You’re taking control.

Admitting you can’t handle something on your own is okay. You’re taking control.

Anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anxiety meds, etc all okay.

Whatever it takes to get you back in control.

When you are in control, your mindset and your outlook on life completely changes.

Life is going to throw you curves and not think twice about it, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it control you or control your future outlook on things.

You have to learn to deal with the bad things. The bad things are a part of life. You have to learn how to properly cope with the bad things, accept the bad things, and try your damn best to see the good in the bad things.

life doesn’t give a shit about you.

but when you give a shit about life

particularly yours.

 it can be beautiful.

My little brother’s father stepping in and raising me when my birth father couldn’t be around…beautiful.

My great grandmother (rest in peace my sweet little Italian angel) who picked up where my mother lacked growing up… beautiful.

Dialysis machines existing which will prolong my mother’s life and will give us more time to mend our relationship… beautiful.

Being able to spend the last 3 days of my birth father’s life with him and receiving closure after years of absence and heartache… beautiful.

The experience I’ve gained… the knowledge I’ve acquired.. the places I’ve been… beautiful.

 

life can indeed be beautiful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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