an open letter to high school me

Dear Danielle,

You’re actually spending your entire high school career being someone you’re not.

Your home life sucks, stop trying to act like you live in a perfect world. It is what it is.

While it’s not fair, one day you’ll be appreciative of all the hard things you encounter because it’s going to make you into a pretty cool person believe it or not.

You continuously put yourself out there and are involved in activities you’re not even interested in: pageants, homecoming court, student council, etc.

You get caught up in forcing yourself to hang out with the “cool” crowd (in a few years, most of them will all be irrelevant) instead of hanging out with people of substance that can benefit you.

You do everything in your power to avoid the obstacles that are in front of you instead of taking them on.

You’re lacking attention at home. Instead of getting attention from a parent, you usually are the parent.

You are living two different lives.

The teenage girl who had part of her childhood taken from her, and the teenage party girl who acts like her life is perfect.

While this is a great escape from the life you really live… I want you to be yourself. Don’t be ashamed of what is going on in your life. This is out of your control. I promise you if you take the time to surround yourself with different people (the “uncool” crowd, if you will) it would make all the difference in the world.

Surround yourself with positive influences: not the ones who get drunk and high all the time because it’s cool.

Surround yourself with nice girls: not the ones who talk down to others for being different. At the end of the day, the “real you” in your “real” life is also very different. Don’t be a hypocrite.

Surround yourself with guys who don’t look at you as just another piece of ass: Look, you have some daddy issues and momma issues. You don’t realize it yet but you do. Your dad has never been in the picture. At this time in your life, you haven’t experienced unconditional love from a man. Your mother has a whole list of issues ranging from narcissistic ways to addiction. You show love and attention to her and don’t receive it back. This isn’t fair, everyone should feel loved and like someone is there for them. You will learn how to cope with this as an adult and you will get through it. HOWEVER, jumping in the backseat of that truck will not make you feel loved and I can promise you that he will not be there for you like you are expecting.

Surround yourself with school work: you are so smart and you don’t take advantage of that. You don’t have someone checking your grades and saying they’re proud of you for your accomplishments so you don’t try at all. You are throwing so much away by doing that. You absolutely deserve to hear that you’re doing great and are capable of doing anything, however, you’re not in that situation. You need to push yourself and get whatever scholarships you can get. You don’t know this yet but after you graduate, you will financially be completely on your own. You’re going to have to pay for your own school, gas, food, car insurance, medical bills, etc.

Life doesn’t get any better after high school, Danielle. It actually gets worse. I need you to prepare yourself for the struggles you will continue to go through. Start becoming the best version of yourself now. Be nice to people. Do things that truly make you happy. Do your homework and study. Stay away from the shitty friends and boys. Don’t pretend your someone you’re not.

Make the most out of the issues you have going on, and let this motivate you to accomplish great things.

Most importantly, stop running from your issues.

You can’t run from them forever.

They will confront you and they will consume you and they will completely take over your life. Next thing you know, you’re a 20 something year old trying to figure out the life you’ve been given and trying to come to terms with all the bad cards you were dealt.

Sending lots of self love and a whole lot of kick ass, because you’ll need it.

Sincerely,

your future self

New year. Better me.

I don’t know about you all, but New Year’s resolutions stress me out. According to the dictionary, “resolution” means an act of resolving or determining: firmness of purpose.

I’m already stressed reading that. I never carry out any of my goals. Probably because I set ones that are extremely high. While setting your goals high can be great for some, it’s not that great for those like me. People like me need to make smaller goals. Why? Because when I fail at said goal (which was probably unrealistic in the first place), my self esteem fails as well. I don’t just brush it off like some, it sticks with me and bothers me. Depression and anxiety are hard enough to deal with, therefore this is the year that I make smaller goals.

So, I’ve came up with 4 different New Year’s resolutions. I’m not sure if they’ll work or if I’ll be able to carry them through but if you wanna jump on this wagon with me then keep reading

Resolution #1-

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED.

Let’s not just get out of bed but let’s push ourselves to look nice and like we have our sh*t together. Ever heard the saying “fake it, till you make it?” Yep, that’s what we’re doing. If we look good then we feel good. If we feel good then our self esteem and confidence will be good. The whole start of our day is good. We’re motivated.

WORK IT OUT

No, not too look good or be skinny. Those things can be nice but exercise releases endorphins which helps elevate our mood and decrease anxiety. I’m going to focus more on yoga this year. I’ve noticed that it pulls me out of the “no-motivation” mindset I get sometimes.

BREAK GOALS AND TASKS INTO SMALL STEPS

As stated before, goals can be extremely overwhelming for people like me (aka people with depression/anxiety). I’m not going to just write down a goal but I’m going to break down that goal into smaller pieces so it can be more manageable for me. I will get it done step by step. I hope by doing it this way i’ll feel a sense of accomplishment with every step. I also hope the sense of accomplishment will help motivate me to continue with that goal.

REALIZE YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS

Build on any positive developments whether they are small or big. Every time you get up and get out of bed and interact with the craziness of this world, you’re achieving something. Build upon these small achievements to achieve all of your goals.

So, those are my New Year’s resolutions for 2018.

If you read all of this and you’re still not motivated, no worries. No one said that you absolutely just have to have a New Years resolution.

Don’t look in the past and don’t focus too much on the future.

Take life one day at a time.

Each day can be an achievement in it self.

Let’s Talk Toxic

It’s Thanksgiving. Everyone is saying what they are thankful for so here is my spill:

  • I’m thankful for the little things.
  • I’m thankful that I’ve allowed myself to grow.
  • I’m thankful that I’ve realized it’s okay to put myself first.
  •  I’m thankful that I’ve realized my time is valuable.
  •  I’m thankful that I know how to distinguish who and what is worth my time.
  • I’m thankful that I’ve chosen to not associate myself with toxic people

What’s a toxic person?

A person who creates drama in their own lives, manipulates or controls others, uses people to meet their needs, critical of others, doesn’t own up to something they’ve done wrong, and makes every conversation about themselves. Basically, someone that can be extremely dangerous to your well being and sanity.

While we can’t always avoid these types of people, we can choose how much time we spend with them.

Throughout the years I always thought it was best to deal with toxic people head on and full force. I thought it would make me stronger to know how to deal with these negative souls.

The truth is, these people can’t be “dealt” with until you add some distance into your relationship. Their behavior can rarely ever be reasoned with meaning you will eventually get to a point where you’re sacrificing your own happiness for this person.

SIDE NOTE for my super spiritual people: I know you may feel like it is “God’s will” to help these people but you still need to set boundaries. Don’t enable them. They need to learn to function by themselves.

I saw a trend in my own life where I was constantly trying to fix people. Their lives were dysfunctional and crazy (not the good kind of crazy)… and they weren’t willing to take any steps to fix that.

You have to say NO to these types of people or they will suck the life out of you.

I truly believe that you are only as good as the people that you surround yourself with and misery loves company. 

Remove the bad and add the good. Surround yourself with positive influences who share the same perspectives as you. You should get something out of every relationship in your life. Not material wise but as in helping you grow as a person, motivate you, support you, and bring joy to your life. If you have someone who doesn’t do any of those things, you might want to take some time to re-evaluate your relationship.

I was in the bookstore one day scanning through books (I love feel good books and self help books) Anyways, I came across one called Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie and found this:

Toxic people blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior and ignore evidence when confronted with it. They become dismissive and critical if you attempt to disprove their fabrications with facts. Instead of them actually addressing their inappropriate behavior, somehow it always becomes your fault for being “sensitive” and “crazy.” Toxic people condition you to believe that the problem isn’t the  abuse itself, but instead your reactions to their abuse.”

YES, YES, AND YES.

See, I always thought tolerating and dealing with this type of behavior made me strong. However, cutting these people off is what really made me strong.

I was mentally strong enough to take a hold of my life.

To wrap this vent up, I just want to ask readers to do one thing:

Don’t ever compromise yourself for anyone.

It’s your life, your happiness, your health, and your decision.

“just be happy”

Society puts depression/mental health issues into two categories which are both extreme from one another:
1. the crazy category which makes mental health seem like a scary topic and every person suffering from a mental health issue is a sociopath.  

OR

2. the not a big deal category which makes mental health seem like a topic that’s not relevant and every person suffering from a mental health issue is just sad and/or a little insecure.

I’m here to tell you it is a big deal and more awareness needs to be brought to the subject before it turns into a scary topic such as suicide or addiction. 

A lot of people who have never suffered from depression or anxiety question what it is like or make assumptions.

One common assumption is that people with depression shut everyone out. All they want to do is be by themselves and lay in bed for days on end. While this is true because I have experienced it, it is not always the case.


People with depression also go out and do things. They try to “just be happy.” They usually do this while having high anxiety. So while they are out trying to “just be happy” feelings of worry and nervousness consume them. Are they looking at me? Do they know I really don’t want to be here? Does smile look real? Are they talking about me? I have also experienced this. These nights usually end up with a bunch of alcohol to distract yourself from these thoughts which usually ends up with another problem.

Another common assumption is that you can always visually tell if someone is depressed. If they are that sad they should be wearing their heart on their sleeve and show it, right? While this can be true, it is usually not the case.

People with depression, especially me, like to paint a pretty picture for the world to see. A picture perfect life. Meanwhile, their life is anything but that. It’s empty, dark, and fearful. However, they put on a fake smile to prove otherwise to the world. They do what they’re suppose to and “just be happy.” This is essentially just a band-aid on something that requires surgery. This is a temporary fix. Can you imagine the outcome of just putting a band-aid on something for years that really required surgery? The outcome is a bigger problem.
All assumptions aside, let’s talk about what it’s like living with depression and anxiety on a day to day basis. Let’s talk about how it’s not that simple to “just be happy.”


Living with a mental health issue of any kind is draining. It’s physically and emotionally draining.

I question everything I do. I feel inadequate. I feel uncomfortable. I despise how I look 75% of the time. I have a difficult time keeping a conversation going due to the things mentioned. I feel lonely. I feel confused. I question my own worth. 

I want nothing else but to be happy, but how does one easily do that when having these feelings?

It’s not overthinking, it’s not insecurity. It’s a constant war going inside of your head that cannot be stopped. 

Society has labeled people like me as lazy, dramatic, and weak.

Society needs a slap of reality to the face

We don’t live in a fairy tale world of rainbows, sunshine, and happy endings. We live in a real and raw world that is not perfect. We live in a world where mental health should not be a forbidden subject.

…but until then all I have is hope.

I hope one day this stigma changes. I hope one day it’s easy for me to “just be happy”. I hope one day people know they are not alone. I hope one day I have enough confidence to share this blog post. 

I hope one day to get better ♥

 

August 22, 2017.